


Cuz I Feel Like I’m The Worst so I Always Act Like I’m The Best

by Phantomkinoc13



Category: BnHA, my hero acadamia - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, emotional angst, shinsou helps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 15:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantomkinoc13/pseuds/Phantomkinoc13
Summary: Bakugou is forced to spill his true feelings during a training fight with Midoriya, reveling his insecurities





	Cuz I Feel Like I’m The Worst so I Always Act Like I’m The Best

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to rubyrushha on tumblr

Midoriya watched Bakugo during training. He often did- he watched many of his classmates. He wanted to see how they moved, and absorb as much as he could to improve, taking notes on what he could do. But he watched Bakugou in particular today. He was training his aim, trying to narrow his more aggressive blasts. It made him cringe a bit to see him straining his hands, he could feel that backlash through his forearms. But he would be one to talk- breaking his own hands again and again. He tried to be subtle when he watched him. Not make it blatantly obvious that he was taking notes in his head while he practiced focusing his power into each kick or punch. He wanted to be able to beat Bakugou when they sparred, and what better way than to learn how Bakugo would attack.  
Bakugou took in a deep breath and positioned his hands, to ignite the explosion. It had to be stronger. It had to be more powerful. It had to be more precise. He narrowed his eyes, and set himself at the target- then made a face, gritting his teeth and blasting through the rock. It worked. He was getting better at this. He plastered a smug smirk on his face, and glanced back over his shoulder- damn it! Deku was watching him. Why was he watching? Bakugou never fully understood. He felt like he was just waiting for him to fail, or trying to pinpoint his weak spot. It pissed him off. Why was Deku watching instead of training? Why did he think so highly of himself? Even after their discussion, even though he knew Deku thought he was amazing, he felt that he was too easily impressed. He wasn’t the strongest. He wasn’t the fastest. But he had to be the best. No matter what. He placed first, and anything less was a failure. He did the blast again- perfect. Better this time than last, but this time no one was watching. All might didn’t come over to see how he was doing, he’d gone around to most of the other students to see what they were working on, but not him. Did all might doubt his potential? The doubt ate away at him, the fear that no one really saw his strengths, the fear that maybe he just wasn’t worth the attention yet. _don’t feel sad about it you idiot_ he told himself _prove them wrong. Show your anger. You don’t need them!_ he stiffened his lip, and set his jaw, and toughened up. Training for the day was coming to an end. He needed more practice!  
He headed back to the dorms, quieter than normal, but it was nothing so out of place for him that anyone noticed. In fact, no one seemed to notice, so he kept his mouth shut letting the anger just rise from him like steam. It was fine- he didn’t need them anyways.  
Bakugou watched as everyone chatted over dinner, laughing or studying. Though, he found his eyes drawn to Deku. He was scribbling down notes as usual, sitting at the table with Uraraka and Ieda. Something about the way Uraraka leaned over Deku’s shoulder to see what he wrote made him mad. Why was she interested in him? Why did everyone have to be around him? Why was everyone always trying to be with Deku? Even Kirishima seemed to like him. It pissed him off, but he couldn’t figure out why. It never bothered him that people flocked to Takoyami, or Yayuruza, or Kirishima- they were all likable, but every time Urachaka leaned in closer to Deku, he felt a pang of anger rise in his chest. Was.. it jealousy? That didn’t make any sense to him, he wasn’t interested in Urachaka, she was too bubbly- when he really thought about it, he wasn’t particularly interested in any of the girls in Class 1-A. Or 1-B for that matter. He stomped upto his room after a bit, planning to sneak out later to train some more. He couldn’t get caught though or he’d be on house arrest again. He remembered Aizawa’s warning: punishment would be more severe for a second offense.  
Bakugou sighed, and flopped down on his bed. He had to figure out a way to get All Might’s attention during training tomorrow. He drifted in and out of sleep, thinking about Deku, trying to figure him out, until he made his way into his dreams. He woke during the night, feeling confused. Why was Deku all he could think about? Why did his heart start racing when he thought about working with him, or fighting him, or pinning him to the ground, so he could look into those green eyes directly and- oh no. He _really_ couldn’t sleep _now_. He knew he was _gay_ but not for _Deku_. That stupid fluffy haired boy was just getting in his head and fucking with him, that was all. He tried to push it to the back of his mind, and go back to sleep.

When morning came, Bakugou didn’t feel refreshed, he was still just as tired, and even more stressed. He had to prove himself today regardless. He ate aggressively, and growled to himself, though it hurt a little to see his classmates try to keep a “safe” distance from him. Kirishima talked to him at breakfast, but even he seemed to be trying to stay away. His eyes followed Deku through the morning. His stupid fluffy hair and his nervous habits. And the way he smiled when he talked to Uraraka _that_ got on his nerves especially. _quit looking at her like that_. he thought. He shoved his hands into his pockets and kept his head down, walking to class.  
Midoriya had noticed as he ate his rice and tomago that morning how quiet Bakugou had been since training yesterday. He usually wasn’t so quiet, he thought. He was used to Bakugou’s explosive loudness and irrationally thrown threats, but he couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him. Ever since their fight at ground beta he hadn’t been as aggressive towards him, and he felt the feelings he’d shoved into secrecy resurfacing. That stupid crush he’d been unable to let go of over the years even when Bakugou was mean. He’d been able to kick them to the back of his mind, and ignore that nagging admiration when Bakugou was at his worst in the last few years but recently as he’d begun to open up a bit again, those stupid butterflies had started to come back. _kacchan is still amazing._ he thought. But he was acting strange. No one else seemed to notice, but he definitely had, but he knew he couldn’t bring it up right now. So he didn’t, and just walked to class with Ochaco, but he couldn’t help a side glance over at Bakugou, just once.

“Today we’ll be training with class 1-B in rotating team battles, to help both of you improve your teamwork skills in tune with your quirks.” Aizawa announced, drawling miserably. “At any point during the battle, or or more teammate may be subject to a restriction, such as losing their quirk temporarily. You must learn to overcome this with teamwork. Teams will be chosen by drawing names. Go change and come down to the front.” He said, finalizing what they would be doing. Bakugo pulled a wicked grin onto his face. class 1-B, huh? Easy. He could show off, and get All Might to come watch when he showed up inevitability half way through their training class. He’d show off his new move. He had to show off, he couldn’t let Todoroki or Deku steal his thunder.  
“Aizawa sensei!” Iida called out “What size will these teams be?”  
“You’ll be in teams of 4 for the first half, and then split into teams of two” Deku began quickly calculating his likelihood of ending up with different people, as the names were drawn for teams. The first team was Kaminari, Tokoyami, Uraraka, and Todoroki. Then Iida, Asui, Yaoyoroza, and Kirishima. The teams were entirely random it seemed, rather than based on strengths or weaknesses. Bakugou gritted his teeth. If he ended up on a team with Deku, he wouldn’t be able to prove to himself that All Might had come over for him. But that was just his luck, wasn’t it. Of course he was on a team with Deku. Much to the concern of their classmates- but there was nothing anyone could do about that. Bakugo looked over at deku.  
“Lets do our best!” He said, smiling at Bakugou. He felt himself blush slightly.  
_Stupid fluffy hair boy, don’t be cute right now._ he thought. _it’s not a crush._ He told himself. he wasn’t going to even look at him until he had to. They’d be working in a team with Sero and Shoji. Then they’d be split into teams of two later. Maybe he’d be with Sero or Shoji and he’d get a chance to show off then. The four of them grouped up and prepared to face off against a team from class 1-B. Shinsou, Monoma, Tetsutetsu, and Kendo. This would certainly make for an interesting battle.  
_Shinsou is up against us_. Deku noted. He wondered if Bakugou remembered him from the sports festival as well as he did, and would maybe, just maybe know to keep his mouth shut. But that would be a challenge- to not answer him or Monoma, who could copy shinsou’s quirk and..  
“Oy! Quit muttering to yourself in a time like this, we’re gonna fight!” Bakugou snapped him out of it.  
“Ah! Class 1-A top tier bastards!” Monoma grinned at Bakugo  
“I’m sorry for his rudeness” Shinsou added.  
“Don’t answer him!” Deku shouted. Bakugou was seething.  
“Start now.” Aizawa said. And the battles began. Deku looked to Sero. The four of them couldn’t work together well enough to do it without talking, so putting tape on their mouths wasn’t an option. Not that it mattered two seconds later when Monoma taunted again.  
“Oh! You’re the one that had to be restrained on the podium! Ahahaha” _why is he doing all the talk-_ “wait- Don’t answer he’s probably copying shinsou’s quirk!”  
“Shut the hell up!” Bakugou glowered at Monoma and then it was too late.  
“You should have listened to your friend! Just don’t move, we’ll end this quickly.”  
Bakugou stood, frozen. His mind felt foggy, eyes fixed somewhere in the distance. He couldn’t move. _why can’t i move at all?!_ he wanted to move, he wanted to blast off and run at them, he wanted to yell but no matter how hard he tried to will his limbs to move they wouldn’t go. Deku nodded at Sero, and the two moved quickly- he took hold of the tape, and with his speed, they pulled it around quick and, Shinsou didn’t have time to dodge before they’d wrapped him up like a mummy, with tape over his mouth and around his shoulders, but they didn’t have long.  
_I can’t do anything! I’m not doing *anything*_ Bakugou thought. He gritted his teeth, he had to break free. He knew Monoma could only use his copied quirks for a short amount of time, and his teammates would force him to lose concentration- but in the meantime he was just stuck. With everyone else defending him. Deku was the one to break him from it. He roared with anger, and launched himself at Monoma, ignoring his other opponents, until two giant hands clamped around him, and he used his firepower to break free from it again, enraged.  
“Dammit! What’s with you guys?!” He snarled. The fight went on with explosion after explosion, and Shinsou making Sero tape up his own teammate, and Bakugou getting a taste of his own medicine from Monoma, as he copied his quirk and threw as much firepower as he could back his way. It only angered him more, but he saw out of the corner of his eye, All Might coming around. Now was his chance. He could show off the skills he’d been practicing and improving- he leapt into action, ready for the special move to grab the hero’s attention, but nothing happened. He felt a surge of panic, there was no blast, no counter, he looked around wildly until he spotted Aizawa, atop the building. _remember, i’ll erase your quirks at a point during the battle..._  
“Dammit! Why now!? I was getting ready to do something!” He swore. Their group training was almost over, he’d be paired off in the next few minutes and he’d hardly gotten to do a thing, the frustration rose in him, threatening to spill over. He heard the whistle blow, and then he was paired off with Deku and sent into a highrise building to find their opponents. He sulked, cursing under his breath as they walked. Deku looked up at him. He felt a sinking anxiety in his stomach. He could tell Bakugou had been thrown off his game, he just hoped they could talk about it without him exploding at their rivals. He wanted to ask him what was wrong, tell him it was okay, he could do this, but now wasn’t the right time. Still, he could feel the disconnect.  
“Kacchan?” He asked “we should make a plan.”  
“As long as we don’t answer purple hair, we’ll win.” He said stiffly.  
“What about Kendo?”  
“Eh? Big hands? Piece of cake for me. I’ve got my firepower.” He set his jaw.  
“And the other one” the voice came from behind somewhere in the hall, but Bakugou was looking at the door down at the end.  
“I already said-“ suddenly he felt very odd. Deku gasped, and spun around, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. He must have hidden  
_just say every thought aloud, and we’ll find you_. shinsou whispered. He’d strengthened his control over his quirk a lot in the past months. Deku looked down the hall, where the hell did he go? He sighed and turned around.  
“Jeez that was creepy.”  
“Tch whatever, we just have to find him now. He probably went back that way.” Bakugou gestured. He felt foggy in the head, but he could still move, and he was talking, so maybe he was okay, though he felt like his mouth was moving before his brain could process what he was saying.  
“You should go look for the weird hand girl I’ll go find Purple hair.”  
“They have names, and we should come up with a plan.”  
“You mean you want to come up with a plan and have me follow it, because I'm just irrational, right?” Huh, that was brutally honest, and not what Bakugou had expected to come out his mouth. He couldn’t help it though, if he thought it, he just said it.  
“What? No, kacchan, I want to know what you think too, but splitting up isn’t what the training is about, Aizawa said-“  
“I don’t give a shit what Aizawa sensei said, i haven’t even gotten one chance to shine yet in this stupid training battle, i just had to be defended, and made useless!” He snapped.  
“K-kacchan?”  
“I’m trying to show what I can do! I want to know if I’ve improved! But you keep getting in the way!”  
“How am I in the way?”  
“Every Time All Might shows up it’s when you’re there! Never for me, never when I’m showing off, I can’t find out how I’m doing! Because he doesn’t care about me! Only you and todoroki!” He shouted, then clamped a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t stop talking.  
“Are you okay?” Deku’s brows knit with worry.  
“You already know the answer to that!” He gritted his teeth. Don’t overflow. Don’t spill. Now isn’t the time. His lip trembled. Fuck.  
“Is this why you’ve been so quiet the last two days?” Deku demanded.  
“Eh?! You noticed that?”  
“Yes! You’ve been acting strange!”  
“Why do you care?!”  
“Because you’re my friend and I care about you, you idiot!” Somehow that phrase hurt as much as it helped.  
“Don’t you get that i just want to do this on my own! I want a chance to prove myself, too!:”  
“You can! You’re amazing.”  
“No I’m not!” He shouted, voice echoing through the halls of the empty building. He sucked in a breath, and tried to hold back his tears, but it was no use. His bottom lip trembled, and then his lips parted back in a snarl and he bit down his teeth, tears welling up in his eyes, and running over, streaming down his cheeks. “I’m not strong enough!” He yelled through his tears. Deku looked taken aback. He stood in shock for a moment.  
“What are you talking about Kacchan, you’re strong as hell.”  
“But I never get All Might to talk to me. I never get to actually do what I’m best at! Dammit, this sucks!” He cried. “How am I supposed to know if I’m improving!?”  
“You are! You have a powerful special attack, and-“  
“I’m still not good enough! I want to win. A hero has to win. A hero. Always. Wins.” He wiped the back of his hand across his face, trying to dam up his eyes, but he couldn’t hold back any longer.  
“Dammit! Dammit!” He slammed his fist into the wall next to him. “Everyone just always wants you! Why? Why can’t I have that?” He sobbed. Deku frowned, pulling his brows even tighter together.  
“Kacchan…” he stepped closer, carefully. “You’re really strong. You’re just finally on a battlefield where everyone is really strong. We’re still young..”  
“I don’t care!” He shouted, he’d left a dent in the wall from his bracer. “And you keeping getting in my head you damn bastard I can’t think when you’re always back there watching me!”  
“But that’s never bothered you before…”  
“Get out of my head!”  
“M-me?”  
“No..” he sucked in an uneven gasp of a breath. “Damn purple hair. You’re making me feel foggy!” Deku stared in awe. Bakugou tried to dry his eyes.  
“Don’t touch me.” He mumbled. “Lets get this stupid thing over with.”  
“Kacchan- can we talk about this? Please? You seem really upset and-“  
“So what? We still have to win, even if I’m upset, you got that?!” He sniffed, fighting back another wave of tears. He had so much anger left, welled up inside him. But they had to get this training exercise over with first.  
“Promise me we can talk about this?”  
“Why should I?”  
“Because I don’t want you to be upset!” He said sharply.  
“Dammit but it’s not effecting you!”  
“Yes, it is.” Deku sighed. This was going nowhere. Bakugou didn’t respond. “Fine. Let's get this over with. And then, talk to me.. please.” He pleaded with him. Bakugou averted his eyes. _why are you so nice to me?_ he thought. He sucked in a deep breath and tried to toughen up.

When The training exercise was over, he stormed outside, and around the back of the building to hide from everyone else. Midoriya followed, catching eyes with Uraraka for just a moment before disappearing after Bakugou.  
“Okay. Kacchan, what’s wrong?”  
“Why am I not improving?”  
“You are- but.. everyone else is improving too, you can’t compar-“  
“But that’s the whole point of this hero school bullshit, right? To compare? To be the best?”  
‘Well…. I guess...kinda..” he rubbed the back of his neck.  
“And.. you keep getting in my head and making it so i can’t think!” He huffed. Deku blushed, not entirely sure what Bakugou meant.  
“Why can’t you see that you’re doing great!?”  
“Because! No one fucking likes me!”  
“Isn’t Kirishima your friend?”  
“Yeah, but so? Everyone else avoids me.”  
“I like you.”  
“Tch, bullshit. I’ve never been nice to you why would you like me?”  
“B-because I can see that you’re trying.” He could see Bakugou tensing up, closing his shoulders in defensively. It stung. “Even if you never like me, I can’t help but admire you.” Bakugou closed himself off even more. He could feel himself imploding.  
“I want more than just your admiration!” He shouted. Deku froze, he felt his heart sink. Did his admiration mean nothing?  
“I want to be better! I want to be so amazing that everyone can admire me. I want to earn it without cheating!”  
“That’s a good thing!” Deku said, hiding the soreness with a forced smile.  
“I’m just.. I’m not..” he let his fists uncurl, looking down at his feet. “Deku, why am i not enough?” Deku could see the tears falling. He took a deep breath, and stepped when i closer. His voice soft.  
“Kacchan, you _are_ enough. You’ve been doing so well, you won the sports festival, you were in the top one hundred, I understand how you feel, i’ve been working so hard just to catch up, and you’re miles ahead still. You’re who I think of when I think of a challenge to train to surpass, you just can’t see it in yourself, can you?” He reached a hand out hesitantly, then drew it back.  
“All Might never talked to me.” He said flatly. “Why won’t he acknowledge me?” His anger had turned into what it really was, all the self-doubt, and the hurt pride showing through.  
“He thinks you’re strong, I guess he thought you didn’t need his acknowledgment.”  
“But I do!” He snapped, then bit his lip. Deku stepped a little closer still.  
“It’s okay Kacchan, you can talk to him. You can ask him-“  
“But why should I?”  
“He didn’t acknowledge me until I talked to him first, either. You have to talk to him.” He heard Bakugou sigh. He looked down at Deku. It was annoying that he was this nice sometimes. _how dare you make me feel better._ he hissed in the back of his mind. _stupid Deku, with his fluffy hair. And his stupid words._ he let him come closer.  
“K-kacchan, can I hug you?” He asked, a bit worried Bakugou wouldn’t like that, but he couldn’t help it. His feelings had crept back up, and he just wanted to be near him, and touch him, and help him, but he was certain Bakugou didn’t feel the same. Bakugou blushed. He’s hugged other people, probably. Probably Uraraka. Bakugou reminded himself. He thought for a moment. He’d already let down his walls half way. He desperately needed it, he wanted it, but he also wanted to push him away, and refuse the hug and just try to toughen up, but he was trembling. He was shaking and he could feel it. So he just nodded, and let Deku come closer, and wrap his arms around his waist, hands resting high on his back. His heart started to race in his chest, panicking slightly, he pulled back quickly, flustered.  
“Ah- s-sorry I thought-“ Deku started.  
“No it’s fine, I just.. whatever, come here.” His words dissolved into mumbling, and he pulled Deku in, wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders and holding on. Deku wrapped his arms back up around his back, and hugged him. _his heartbeat is really fast._ he thought. Bakugou knew now that the jealousy had been of Uraraka, he’d always had Deku’s attention, and he didn’t want to not have it. Holding Deku close like this made him feel like his insides were twisting up into a pretzel. He smelled like coconut conditioner, and a little like sweat, but something about it was relaxing. Bakugou smelled like burnt sugar, also described by Kirishima at one point as “an angry toasted marshmallow”, which Deku had to agree with, honestly. He looked up at Bakugou after a minute, a reassuring smile on his face.  
“See, it’s gonna be okay.” He said. “If you just go and-“ suddenly Bakugou leaned down, and he was a centimeter from his face- “kacchan-!” He blushed brightly, and jolted back in anxiousness. Bakugou flushed bright red and pulled away crossing his arms “I though you were-“ he rambled out loudly, flustered. “I I mean,I am, I mean, I do, I just, I didn't know that you- and I mean i’ve kinda had these feelings for a while but I didn't think you would feel that way so I never said it but I guess you do but wait, do you? I mean, you were gonna… kiss… me… right?” He blathered.  
“Hm. It’s fine. I should have asked.” He looked away.  
“Y-you can still..um..go ahead” Deku said, hopefully. Bakugou stepped forward, backing Deku into the wall, he took his hand, and pinned it place by his head, then leaned in, and kissed him. His heart pounded like crazy in his chest. Deku felt the butterflies swarming in his stomach. He practically felt dizzy. It wasn’t the most graceful kiss ever, it was a little clumsy, and a little aggressive, and Deku could feel the damp of tears that had fallen on Bakugou’s cheek, but it was sweet. And such a relief to Deku that he could hardly believe it. And when Bakugou pulled away, a wide grin spread on his face, and bakugou, who’d been so upset, got a little smile on his lips, and said quietly, next to Deku’s face,  
“I win.”


End file.
